Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
You Might Also Like
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
For those that worship cheese..
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’m tired tomorrow.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Coffee is ready.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”