Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
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Maybe itโs love, or maybe she just canโt unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
screw it letโs just name every sports team after colored socks
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like โIโm just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activitiesโ and it starts out โfirst, spatchcock a whole chicken.โ
Ok so the rule is if itโs a vowel sound use โanโ and if itโs a consonant sound use โaโ. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.Weโve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please donโt give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while Iโm driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think itโs wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?