What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
You Might Also Like
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
we’re gonna need another temp
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.