From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
hmmm
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.