dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Facebook marketplace is a different world