He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I feel like one of these would kill a European
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
The biggest mystery of our time
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
had to make it
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment