Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
a badder mouse
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]