Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first