Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma