#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
You Might Also Like
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*