Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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Sharon I have some bad news
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
mumsnet is amazing
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!