I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
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My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I mean…but I did
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.