Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.