Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I bet
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent