My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 馃く
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
What鈥檚 a movie everyone recommends to you but you鈥檝e never seen? Mine鈥檚 the safety video for this forklift I鈥檓 operating.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[before nap]
I鈥檒l be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it鈥檚 way too late to do anything
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it鈥檚 a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I don鈥檛 buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent鈥檚 house like an adult
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it鈥檚 over for you benches
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Take your husband鈥檚 last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You鈥檙e the husband now.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I鈥檓 opposed to Diabetes.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
High definition is like regular definition but it鈥檚 slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.