amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?