I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.