Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
You Might Also Like
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.