Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! đ
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg whatâs the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My self help-seminar, âStop Blaming Othersâ canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me, at 15: Iâm going to change the world!
Me, at 25: Iâm going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: Iâm going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today weâre at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
i donât know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went âi want that oneâ and his mom just looked at me and said âyou canât have that, thatâs a grown manâ
Whatcha doing?! đđ€Łđ¶
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieberâs plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isnât necessarily a sin
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you donât have friends
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I donât usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I donât usually do this.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Whoever said, âMoney canât buy happiness,â never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience