[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Just ordered me some pizza!
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators