Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I need a headline like this
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.