Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
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when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
How is it still this week?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig