Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
You Might Also Like
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Yup.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit