I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
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*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
my first day as a raccoon
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
CRYING
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*