Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
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