All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door