9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
You Might Also Like
why I oughta
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
thank god
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”