*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
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If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house