Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
she has a point
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.