Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.