If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
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Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Um … Hot Wings please
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.