Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
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“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Spell check is for lasers.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.