Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I need a headline like this
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
relationship goals
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
bad
worse
worst
worchester
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.