Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
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My family is playing Monopoly so no it wonât be a silent night
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Some people shouldnât be informed when this quarantine is over.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
jeff bezos: i donât like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earthâs resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldnât finish drinking him
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! đđ¤Ł
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Iâve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied âone sprayâ of cologne, so same.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50âs gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag Youâre Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldnât sell records I suppose.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was âbeautiful.â UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better