I swear some people should be banned from cooking
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If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*ernest hemingway voice*
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”