Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese