Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Basically.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians