Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.