A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.