me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me, flirting😏
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there