not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity