Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
You Might Also Like
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Had an epiphany today.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?