Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
You Might Also Like
how to market bottled water to dads
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
me: my friends:
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?