Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
We need more people like this.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
That’s classic.