Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
twitter users today:
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
New favorite tiktok
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
one last job
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get