No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me trying to reach for my goals
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.