Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
ok this is my dumbest yet
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
🤣🤣🤣
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.