My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
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My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Shoo shoo! 😂
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Time heals everything 🙂
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now