Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
What the dentist sees