Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
iPhone X
Had an epiphany today.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter: